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It is natural to experience shock and bewilderment after being told that a family member or a friend has died suddenly.

The time after someone dies is very stressful and there are many people to tell, procedures to follow and things to arrange. For people who have lost someone in traumatic circumstances, or if the death has been sudden or unexpected, there is a lot to take in.

Certain processes involving the Police and Procurator Fiscal need to happen which will delay the usual ways that we mark a death for a number of days and even weeks. This can place additional stress on loved ones who are already grieving for the person who has died.

But be assured you are not alone and there is help available.

We have provided some helpful guidance for dealing with the things you need to do in the days, weeks and months after someone dies.

Experiencing grief

Grief can differ from person-to-person depending on their relationship, the way in which the person had died, and the support they have. Grief is a natural and normal response to loss, however there is help available if needed and you do not need to go through it alone.

While many of us manage with the help and support of family and friends, there is often a need for additional support or guidance at this time and many people will speak with a GP or access a support service to help them.

As well as the practical advice on this webpage, we have also included links to organisations that can provide support and some guidance on taking care of yourself, which is important, as self-care is often secondary when people have to deal with the trauma of grief and loss.

If you or a loved one is dealing with loss, it can be helpful to learn more about the grieving process.

Five stages of grief

It is important to remember that the grieving process can be complex, and it is not the same for everyone. Allowing room to experience grief in your own way can help you heal after loss.

These steps may not be followed exactly, or other feelings may surface after you thought you were through the stages of grieving.

1. Denial

Feeling numb is common in the early days after a bereavement.

Some people at first carry on as if nothing has happened. Even if we know in our heads that someone has died it can be hard to believe that someone important is not coming back.

It is also very common to feel the presence of someone who has died, hear their voice or even see them.

2. Anger

Anger is a common emotion, and very natural after someone dies.

Death can seem cruel and unfair, especially when you feel someone has died before their time or you had plans for the future together.

It is also common to feel angry towards the person who has died, or angry at ourselves for things we did or did not do before their death.

3. Bargaining

When we are in pain, it is sometimes hard to accept that there is nothing we can do to change things.

Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if you are religious. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways we will feel better.

It is also common to find ourselves going over and over things that happened in the past and asking a lot of ‘what if’ questions, wishing we could go back and change things in the hope things could have turned out differently.

4. Depression

Sadness and longing are what we think of most often when we think about grief.

This pain can be very intense and come in waves over many months or years. Life can feel like it no longer holds any meaning which can be very scary.

5. Acceptance

Grief comes in waves and it can feel like nothing will ever be right again. But gradually most people find that the pain eases, and in time it is possible to accept what has happened.

We may never ‘get over’ the death of someone precious, but we can learn to live again, while keeping the memories of those we have lost close to us.

Remember to look after yourself

If you are feeling anxious or stressed here are some things you may want to try:

Breathe

Take a few deeper breaths than normal.

A long slow in breath from your stomach, and a long slow out breath, paying attention to your breathing.

Feel a sense of letting go on the out breath.

Ground yourself

Feel your feet on the ground.

Notice any sensations like tingling or feeling hot or cold.

Paying attention to your feet takes your attention away from thoughts and difficult emotions.

Smile

You may not feel like smiling, but doing it will automatically relax tension in your body and may light up someone else’s day if they see you smile.

Notice

Take notice of one thing you can be grateful for, right now in this moment, for example:

  • help from others
  • a comfy bed
  • the taste of tea or coffee
  • messages from friends
  • smell of flowers

Being more mindful can help reduce feelings of anxiety or stress and can help improve self-compassion and the quality of your sleep.

Visit Mind for further relaxation tips.

The five senses technique

If you start to feel anxious or overwhelmed try using the ‘five senses’ technique to reduce those feelings:

  1. Look for five things you can see around you.
  2. What are four things you can touch?
  3. Listen for three things you can hear.
  4. Concentrate on two things you can smell.
  5. Focus on one thing you can taste.

If you are feeling particularly anxious or feel you may be experiencing a panic attack, use this quick and effective technique until you start to relax:

  • breathe in for four seconds
  • hold your breath for seven seconds
  • exhale for eight seconds
  • repeat as necessary

    Financial supports

    East Ayrshire Respectful Funeral Service

    In East Ayrshire, a dignified, affordable and local funeral service package is being offered by four highly respected local funeral directors.

    Visit deaths, funerals and bereavement for more information.

    Social Security Scotland
    Scottish Government

    The Scottish Government have a variety of signposts on their website such as help with:

    • funeral payment
    • bereavement support payment
    • guardians allowance

    For full details visit mygov.scot: bereavement benefits.

    Other financial supports

    Registering a death

    Registering a death can be an emotional experience. It can make the person’s death feel more real and official.

    After someone dies it is also common to feel confused and find it hard to concentrate, which can make answering lots of questions a stressful experience. It can help to ask a close friend or family member to be with you when the death registration is being carried out for support.

    Don’t worry if you get upset or cry during the registration. The Registrar will know you are grieving and should try their best to help you.

    Contact your Registrar as soon as you can, but within eight days, and they will talk you through the full process and provide you with a unique reference number to allow you to use the UK Government's Tell Us Once service.

    This service means you can report the death only once and many government services will be notified. When you use the Tell Us Once, the services notified will include:

    • Department for Work and Pensions (DWP) - Pensions and Benefits
    • Personal Tax
    • Council Tax
    • Passport
    • Driving Licence
    • Blue Badge
    • Electoral Register
    • Public Sector Pensions

    There are a few organisations you will need to contact directly. For further details visit GOV.UK: Register the death.

    Contact details for Registrars in Ayrshire

    East Ayrshire Registrars
    North Ayrshire Registrars
    South Ayrshire Registrars

    Arranging a funeral

    Help and advice for arranging a funeral can be found below:

    Supporting your wellbeing

    Supporting your wellbeing contacts can be found below:

    • Mental Health Foundation provides practical advice on mental wellbeing, parenting, talking to children and loneliness.
    • Living Life to the Full provides a host of free online courses to improve your wellbeing and resilience.
    • Living Well in East Ayrshire is managed by East Ayrshire Health and Social Care Partnership and has a host of information to support your overall wellbeing.

    A list of other support organisations can be found in the menu below:

    Support organisations

    Penumbra and Change Mental Health provide support to anyone impacted by the loss of someone to suicide. You will receive support within a few days and ongoing support for up to two years.

    Contact details:


    Cruse Scotland offers bereavement support, advice and information to children, young people and adults when someone dies.

    Contact their free helpline, Telephone 0808 802 6161, Monday to Friday, 9am to 8pm, weekends 10am to 2pm.


    Petal Support provides counselling to people who have been affected by the loss of a family member or partner to homicide or suicide in Scotland.

    Contact details:


    Papyrus is a national charity dedicated to the prevention of suicide. For confidential support and practical advice.

    Contact details:


    Ayrshire Cancer Support provides a range of free support for children, young people and families across Ayrshire who are affected by cancer, or for those who have been bereaved through cancer.

    They also provide counselling, therapeutic support and patient transport services.

    For more information or to request support visit their website or telephone 01563 538008.


    No One Dies Alone Ayrshire provides telephone support and a befriending service for those facing end of life situations. An online support group or one-to-one online support can also be provided.

    Contact details:


    Beautiful Inside and Out is a charity that provides bespoke counselling and bereavement support to anyone in crisis free of charge.

    Contact details:


    Victim Support Scotland can provide free and confidential advice for anyone affected by crime

    Telephone: 0800 160 1985.


    East Ayrshire Council has its own suicide prevention strategy 'Here to Listen' with details of Suicide First Aiders you can contact if you are in crisis, together with a full range of supports and resources.


    Breathing Space is a free and confidential phone service for anyone experiencing low mood, depression or anxiety.

    Telephone 0800 83 85 87, Monday to Thursday 6pm to 2am, weekend Friday 6pm, Monday 6am.


    Telephone the Samaritans any time, 24 hours a day for free on 116 123.

    Or it may be easier to write things down so you can email jo@thesamaritans.org or try the new Self-Help App.


    Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol and Drugs (SFAD) support anyone who is concerned about someone else’s drug or alcohol use, wherever they are in Scotland.

    Telephone the free and confidential helpline on 08080 10 10 11, Monday to Friday 9am to 11pm.


    Kilmarnock Station Community Village provide a variety of free online classes such as meditation, anxiety management or mindfulness.

    Contact details:


    RADAR (Rapid Access to Drug and Alcohol Support) is a new single point of contact for anyone concerned about their own or someone else’s drug and/or alcohol use.

    Contact details:

    • Telephone: 01563 578770 for an appointment within 24 hours, or
    • NHS 24 on 111 for out of hours

    South Ayrshire Addiction Services provide a range of support services for those with drug and alcohol issues.

    Contact details:

    • Telephone: 01292 559800 during office hours, or
    • NHS 24 on 111 for out of hours

    East Ayrshire Recovery Hub is a new innovative project, supporting individuals with drug and alcohol issues linking them with recovery support, training and development within the local community.

    Contact details:

    Their offices can be found at 3-9 John Finnie Street, Kilmarnock.


    North Ayrshire Prevention, Early Intervention and Recovery (PEAR) Service offers support to any individual concerned about their drug or alcohol use.

    Contact details:


    East Ayrshire Recovery Network is a website that contains a list of support services, events and how to access Naloxone for those directly or indirectly affected by alcohol and drug use.


    Ayrshire Council on Alcohol offer a free one-to-one confidential service to individuals who are concerned about their drinking.

    Contact details:


    Relationships Scotland provide relationship counselling and family mediation and other family support services across Scotland. Their work supports individuals, couples and families experiencing relationship difficulties.

    Telephone 0345 119 2020 during office hours.


    Home-Start East Ayrshire provide a range of support to families who may be struggling with isolation, physical health, bereavement or a range of other issues.

    Contact details:


    Young Minds provides information and advice about young people’s mental health.

    Contact details:

    • Telephone: 0808 802 5544, Monday to Friday, or
    • text YM to 85258 if you need urgent help

    Mind can help explain possible causes for self-harm and assist in accessing treatment and support. This site includes tips for helping yourself and guidance for friends and family.

    Contact details:

    Homeless

    If you are homeless, or at risk of being homeless, services throughout Ayrshire can help.

    East Ayrshire homeless services
    North Ayrshire homeless services
    South Ayrshire homeless services

    Contact Information